Don't call me a SELLOUT

Dear CT MUSICIANS that call me a SELLOUT...(explicit)

Don’t call me a fuckin sellout when you haven't even left your hometown. This isn't for money. This is my life. Life means more to me than money. No amount of money will make me happy. Gambling taught me that.

All of my life I have felt like the outsider. It is as if I didn’t belong. I take pride in existing outside of the box. Most people say they live outside of the box but they are liars.

If I am stuck in a 9-5 job living in one town for too long, I feel hateful, desperate, and suicidal. It feels like sludge. Thick. Disgusting. Sticky. The sludge that drains my blood. The sludge that sets roadblock to my very being. I cannot and will not “blend in”. In my hometown bars usually I am there against my will, out of sheer boredom, observing all of you, just wishing for my chance to escape the boring routines which you enjoy.

I am no longer convinced that I can make it in the corporate world doing the same thing for 50 years straight. Call me a gyspy, call me a hobo, call me a traveling side show freak. Call me what you will. This is who I am. It runs in my blood.

I am not running away from anything. I am running TO something. I strongly dislike being on vacation for the sake of getting away. I have to see things important. I have to have some sort of grand mission and purpose. I am not an escape artist.

Since the old age of 23 I have traveled all kinds of places with many different people. It has taught me some valuable lessons in life. All behaviors and values are learned. We are products of our environment. Nothing is made in a vacuum. Being suspicious that everybody is out to get you isn’t paranoia. It’s a survival technique, because most people would do whatever it takes to get ahead. I trust only those that I am close to. That’s a risk I consider to take because love involves risk. And yes, there is a such thing as love, just because it isn’t with you all of the time don’t be a judgmental ignorant prick and assume it doesn’t exist. Reality has a liberal bias.

So where do we go from here? Indeed the only workplace I have ever experienced true happiness is the first day of being on the road with any band. Now with a woman, my wife has brought me the best times I have ever shared with another human. And my son, my precious tiny little man, words can’t describe how happy he makes me every time I see him crack a smile in my direction.

My identities as a father, husband, coworker, boss, friend, musician, merch guy, music promoter, brother, and son come into clashes constantly. Sometimes I forget which role I’m in. It’s all so confusing. So looking at how far I’ve come in my life, I’m accepting the fact that I cannot relate to anybody 100 percent on most subjects. I know why I’m here. I am one of the good guys on this world. I am also a nomad and traveler.

The thought of having a home just doesn’t compute. Despite years of living in the same place and trying to keep the food in the fridge, home, to me, is where I keep my belongings. I don’t go home to unwind. I go home because that’s where I can prepare for the next adventure. My heart is on the road.

Selling out, for me, would be to get that 5 day a week job. Selling out for me, would be not to pursue a career that involves traveling. Selling out to me, would be my son not ever going to see Disney world, the space needle, the Hollywood hills, the victory statue in berlin…because daddy was too busy working. I want to show my wife and son the world that I live in.

Don’t call me a fuckin sellout just because you have already given up your journey. Accept that there is more than one way to do anything. Accept that some people are just restless with routines. Accept that some people take more risks than you do. Acccept that you are not the smartest one on the block. And RESPECT those that are working their asses to the bone to shape their lives while you sit on your ass confused wondering where you went wrong.

Fuckers. Instead of ignoring negativity, I confront it.

The local music scene and how it fails me....

Vermin that need to be eradicated:

FUCK YOU #1:

Scene dicks that talk shit on bands. You spread lies and rumors about my band. I don’t even know you and you don’t know me. If you paid attention and checked your facts(which are easily verifiable) you would see the truth. But instead, you relish in lies and live a life of ignorance. You fucking misinformed sheep. Wake up. You are no better than the ignorant masses that you claim to rebel against. Enjoy your alternate reality.

FUCK YOU #2

This one is complicated but here goes. Anybody that tells me punk rock is for little kids. Or that violence and drama are part of the “punk scene” in such a condescending way that they imply they have found an alternative. The last time I checked, this was about music. Punk rock and it’s little borther hardcore virtually created the indie label world, touring networks for clubs less than 1000 capacity, and the DIY aesthetic of the current music underground. To brush off something that important as “kiddie stuff” while exploiting resources and ideas given to you by it, ok FUCK YOU.

Adults buy cars and jewelry they CANNOT AFFORD to impress their neighbors and feel good about themselves. They buy huge TVs they don’t need, motorboats, gizmos and useless gadgets, all in the name of vanity. What is the difference if a teenager buys combat boots too look cool? What is the difference? NOTHING. You don’t “grow up”. Your toys just get more expensive. Materialism and glamor. End of story. Nothing changes as you get older. So don't tell me to "grow up". You grow up first.

"FUCK YOU #3

Know it alls. Seriously, if you cannot make an informed judgment on something, just shut your trap. Everybody speaks for the sake of speaking. At one point the madness has to end. If you are an expert, by all means speak up and educate! If you are not, learn humility and take notes from those that do know what they are talking about. Credibility goes a long way here. Snap judgment fails everytime. Just open your ears and open your eyes. You will make your life and the world a better place if you know what you are talking about and doing.